I’ve been sick for the last two weeks – the longest chunk of time since the race.
I don’t really handle sickness very well.
What I mean by that is I don’t like to give myself the time I need to rest and heal. I can hardly be able to breath, can’t stop coughing, have a fever, and my head be killing me, and I still feel the need to pull myself into a standing position and go into work or wherever it is I’m supposed to be.
Why? Why do I do that? Why do I insist on resisting the time I need to just let my body heal? I think there are a few reasons.
One is that I’m stubborn. I don’t want to and so I won’t. I can do this on my own. I am above this sickness.
Another is that I have an almost unconscious performance mentality. If I’m not where I’m supposed to be, on time, with everything done, I’m not accessible and available to everyone, and all my ducks aren’t lined up in a nice row, I’m failing. What might people think of me? Will they think less of me? Will they be disappointed in me? The fear of being misunderstood or misinterpreted is a real one in my life. Depending on the situation, if I’m given a rule or even an encouraged guideline, I struggle with not letting it rule me. I fear failure, and if I cave in and call out due to sickness, I’m exhibiting weakness.
I have plenty of grace for others, but none for myself.
It’s ironic that my name means grace.
However, sometimes that can’t be the case. Things happen. Life happens. Sickness occurs and the ducks get scattered all over the place. Can I be okay with that?
“Christians with a performance mentality do everything to feel accepted and acceptable to God. We should serve Him out of gratitude for all that He is and all that He has done in our lives. We are not trying to get anywhere with God; we recognize that, in Christ, we are already there.” -Graham Cooke
God sees us where we are, not where we were. He isn’t standing there shaking his head waiting for us to mess up again.
Sometimes I struggle to do well in my everyday life because I feel like I have to make up for the times I mess up and fail. But that’s not the case. God isn’t waiting for me to trip up again. He’s waiting to walk through those hard days with you and I so that we can come out victorious on the other side.
We don’t need to buy favor or grace. It’s already there. Even for the sick days.
We just need to accept it.
