Good Grief

Pain is an inevitable truth of living on this planet. 

Grief is a necessary part of that equation. We will all experience situations, events, and seasons when something or someone will need be grieved. 

This was the topic we focused on last week and I wanted to share some of the thoughts with you that were presented to me. I found it very helpful.

Things that will need to be grieved can be anything from death and divorce, to the loss of friendships or a season of life coming to a close. Anything that you held close that is no longer there or is significantly altered.

“There is a season for everything, and a time for every event under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot what was planted: a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 ISV

We are all born into a framework for how acceptable grief is. We are taught from a young age what is and isn’t reasonable when it comes to our reaction to loss, sadness, and hardship. There are unspoken rules in every family. You learn them from your parents. They learned them from their parents.

What messages were you given?

Was it okay to cry? How long was it okay to cry? Were you told to ‘get over it already’? That you were being ridiculous? How do you respond to grief? Do you shut down and compartmentalize? Do you minimize what you are experiencing? Do you avoid, deny, or rationalize? How do you respond to others who are grieving?

Grieving needs to happen. It’s important.

And it can take time. Give yourself and others the time needed to work through their individual process. Everyone’s process is different.

A few requisites to grieve well are:

• Giving yourself internal permission to grieve. It’s okay not to be okay. 
• External permission to grieve.  
• Having an awareness of the loss and the impact it had on you and others.
• Be aware of who will hinder the process and who will help.
• Time, opportunity, and motivation to mourn without distraction. Trust the grieving process. It will get better. 

 

Job is the go-to example for grief in the Bible, and with good reason. No one will argue that he didn’t have things to grieve and mourn. He suffered loss that most of us can’t and won’t ever be able to comprehend. Job also did several things really well when it came to grieving through it all.

He paid attention. He was present in his pain. He cried out honestly with what he was feeling. He was blunt with God. Grieving isn’t possible without embracing both the anger and the sadness. We can spill over onto others if we don’t acknowledge both sides. God can do a whole lot with anger.

He waited in the confusing moments. We tend to try to take control and try to create our own ending. Job had the patience to wait out the pain and discomfort. There is such a mysterious aspect to God that we will never be able to fully understand. Our culture tells us to avoid pain. Have the courage to wait through it.

He embraced the gift of limits. Abundance comes out of limits. Job embraced his suffering. He acknowledged that he didn’t bring this on himself and that no one did it to him.

He let the old birth the new. Grief is also able to bring blessing. Loss doesn’t have to be depressing and debilitating, even if we grieve it for the rest of our lives. Death and loss and limitations are real.

So is God.

A deeper level of intimacy with God through grief is possible and should be the goal. True spiritual life is not an escape from reality, but of embracing it. Loss marks the place where self-awareness and powerful transformation happen if we choose to let it. 

The quickest way to the sunrise isn’t to chase the sun around the world, but to walk straight through the night. 

 

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18